Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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