my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
