Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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