Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
