I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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