apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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