Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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