Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
