I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
