Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
