My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize