This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
