So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize