Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
