she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
