btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It's rum buckets o'clock
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
