...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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