What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
