dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
