giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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