he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
