I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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