I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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