you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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