So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
organizing the empties. That sober.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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