i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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