I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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