Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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