1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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