if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
