just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Hippo gnu deer
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
