there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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