you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize