I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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