True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
