Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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