So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
