I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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