This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
