i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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