im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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