Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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