I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The adults are the big ones right?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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