it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize