Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
