i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
