I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
