Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
