Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
