New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
