margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
