Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
