giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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