There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
