I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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