I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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