That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize