Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
