I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
