One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
