there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
