pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
there's paper in my vomit.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
