Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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