"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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