I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
