We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
