My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
