I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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