dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
