my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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