i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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