I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
