I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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